5 Most Important Things in Life

Here's a fun Sunday evening gchat with a good friend of mine (P in the dialog below). I left in the poor IM grammar for authenticity:

Sent at 9:47 PM on Sunday

P: quick...off the top of your head with no thinking...
what are the five most important thinngs to remember in life?

me: 1.discipline and attitude get you everywhere
2. your happiness is the most important thing in life

P: and what creates happiness? quick no thinking

me: living in line with what you want for yourself
um, maybe that wasnt' clear enough...
making things happen that bring you pleasure and meaning
living the life you would want to live

P: gotcha

me: 3. be with people who inspire you and keep you alive
alive = lively

4. you choose your life
5. continuous improvement
btw, i love these kinds of qs :)

me: what would your tip 5 be?
top 5, sorry!

P: ok trying to diversify from your answers, although i think you hit most on the head

P: five most important things in life: 1. This is how you get through everything and anything in life..."show up, stick with it, dont sweat it". 2. you get out what you put in. 3. only you know what is right for you. 4. your gut is always right 5. smiling and laughing makes everything better

It was a great little dialog that only took a few minutes but really capped off the evening positively (and led to a fun blog post!). Being a coach for overachievers, I usually asking these types of questions, so it's nice when my friends keep me on my toes. As I said in the chat with P, I really like these types of questions, so I guess it's good that I'm in this line of work!

What are your 5 most important things in life?

Since I can't gchat with each of you directly, please add your answer in the comments!

Happiness from Spending Money on Others

Science Magazine recently published a study that concludes that spending money on others is a reliable source of happiness for most people. The official abstract and link to the full study can be found here: Spending Money on Others Promotes Happiness and you may have seen a few news articles last month based on this study.

From the Reuters article Money Buys Happiness - If You Spend it on Someone Else:

Money can buy happiness, but only if you spend it on someone else, researchers reported on Thursday.

Spending as little as $5 a day on someone else could significantly boost happiness, the team at the University of British Columbia and Harvard Business School found.

Their experiments on more than 630 Americans showed they were measurably happier when they spent money on others -- even if they thought spending the money on themselves would make them happier.

I remember being on a long road trip with a friend of mine. As she came to the first tollbooth, she gave the toll collector double the amount and said she wanted to pay for the person behind her. What? I had never heard of such a thing. Much less ever imagined that it would happen in NYC. As I tried to wrap my mind around this, I thought "How awesome to be the next car in line (especially for the exorbitant Holland or Lincoln Tunnel tolls)!"

This friend of mine said she did it almost every time she went through a toll. My immediate reaction was, "My goodness, that's a lot of money to spend on strangers!" According to her, the benefits of making someone's day was well worth the money:

"It just makes me happy thinking about that person's reaction, even though I'll never see it. It's something simple that makes me happy, makes them happy, and hopefully it'll have a ripple effect where the next people we interact with will benefit from our better mood and be a bit happier themselves."

Next time you're in the cash lane, give it a try and see if you feel happier. Who knows, maybe the person in front of you already paid for you!

Being Happier: Friends and Where You Live

Sorry for the lag in posts, but I was in California (the Bay Area) enjoying life! I had a wonderful trip and it helped me remember 2 important things:

- Life is much better when you can share it with friends

- Where you live can have a big impact on your happiness

Friends:
My closest college friends are in the Bay Area and it was great to spend time with them. There's something special about feeling comfortable and "at home" with old friends. They know you well, they understand who you are, and you can easily talk about anything. It could be a serious topic, embarrassing experience, or frivolous banter - all are welcome and expected.

While I have a healthy number of friends, as I get older I've been finding it more important to hang on to the good ones. It takes a long time to build up a "crew" that you can just hang out with. Especially when moving to a new location, it takes a while to build up that base of friends that you can call up for dinner randomly and feel comfortable sitting around with playing cards and looking up choice YouTube videos.

Location:
I used to think that I could be happy in any environment. While it's basically true, I know that I could be even happier in certain locations over others. I think it's important to find a location that is a good match for who you are and what you enjoy. There are certain universal factors to consider to help find a match:

1. Weather (seasons, amount of sun, rain, cold, etc.)
2. Type of people (friendliness, ethnic mix, acceptance)
3. Culture (art, music, events, food)
4. Lifestyle/Hobbies (what people do, popular activities)
5. Values or Priorities (what is important to the people who live there)
6. Existing friend base (who do you know where?)
7. Rural vs Urban (population density, access to nature, commute, strip malls, etc.)

I've sampled a number of places and have lived/spent a lot of time in NY (Queens, Long Island, Manhattan, Brooklyn), Boston (Cambridge), CA (SF, Oakland, Palo Alto), and DC (VA). I've found that certain pockets of the Bay Area would be an ideal match for me in terms of a place to live.

It's frequently sunny, people are happy (for the most part), it's not too cold, there's culture if you want it, people are generally concerned about health and the environment, and there is plenty of open space and access to different types of nature in a 3-4 hour car ride (beach, mountains, foothills, desert). Just being there for a long weekend was enough to remember why I like it so much.

A walk around the Stanford Dish or Arastradero Preserve, with a short drive to Mount Tam or my favorite winery Chateau St. Jean are reason enough to move back. Then the thought of being able to enjoy them with my close friends and I'm sold!

• How much of your happiness based on where you're living?
• How much of your happiness based on being able to share it with good friends?
• Which is more important to you?

Achievers and Happiness

From a Yahoo Finance column (Feb 6th) from Laura Rowley, "Wanna Be Rich? Be (Moderately) Happy":

"Numerous studies have found that happy people enjoy an advantage over malcontents: Cheerful people earn more, enjoy better health, have closer relationships, and live longer, among other benefits. But in this case, researchers wanted to explore how happy you need to be to get those perks. Do the 10s enjoy the highest well-being in all areas of life?

The answer is no -- and there may actually be a downside to scoring at the top of the scale. In a survey of more than 100,000 people in 96 countries, for example, the 8s on the 1-to-10 scale perform best in the realm of achievement.

Diener surmises that the 8s benefit from the creativity and energy of happiness, which help them stay committed in the pursuit of long-term goals and overcome obstacles along the way. But the 8s also maintain a touch of worry, stress, or internal dissatisfaction that motivates them to strive for more."

Later in the article, they go on to say that that people who are 10s in happiness have stronger relationships, are better-liked, and have high self-confidence, even though their 8 counterparts have higher GPAs and have more tangible "successes" in the traditional sense (promotions, salary, positions of responsibility, etc.). The 10s might not have all the trappings of a moderately happy 8, but they have more of the "important intangibles" in life.

It also says that 10s often project their happiness onto their relationships; even though they may have unhappy moments, they tend to view them overall through rose-colored glasses:

"The 10s tend to idealize their partners and look for the best in them, leading to more enduring and upbeat relationships. Alternately, the lack of satisfaction that drives the 8s to want more in their work lives might also prompt them to be more critical of their partners, to more readily see their faults -- and to be more willing to look around for something better."

I'd like to think I'm a 10 (because overachievers always want to be a 10 in everything), but I'm guessing that I'm probably more of an 8 or a 9. I've done a lot of reading on Happiness and how to be a 10 more often, but I feel my overachiever self and my happy self fighting it out behind the scenes. This off-stage dual between achievement and happiness poses an interesting question:

• Can overachievers be a 10 in happiness or are we confined to an 8 because of our natural tendency to always strive for more?

What do you think? Please add your thoughts in the comments section!

Lead With Your Strengths

I just finished an interesting (and quick) read – “Now, Discover Your Strengths”, by Marcus Buckingham. The premise of the book is that you will be most successful in your career and life if you are able to use your natural strengths regularly.

Most companies and individuals (especially overachievers like us!) focus on addressing “weaknesses” in an effort to bolster performance. Time, money, and energy are spent to improve ourselves through training and personal development, but with very little return in performance.

The basis for the book was research done by The Gallup Organization where they surveyed 198,000 employees and asked them this question:

“At work do you have the opportunity to do what you do best every day?”

Not surprisingly, few said yes - 20% globally and 40% in the US. As part of their research, they discovered that top performing companies are those that are best able to assess their employees strengths and then match them to the appropriate job or role.

As individuals, we spend much more time focusing on our weaknesses that we usually have a good handle on what those are. But our strengths are more of a mystery, and far more interesting. As part of “Now, Discover Your Strengths”, the reader is able to use the online StrengthsFinder diagnostic (the book gives you an access code), to see which of the 34 themes (strengths) he/she possesses. The exercise is similar to the Myer’s Briggs, but the book takes it one step further by explaining how people of each trait like to be managed (since good managers know that each person is different!). The important thing here is to use your strengths in what you do everyday. You’ll be happier, more fulfilled, and be more successful with less effort.

My top 5 themes/strengths are: Futuristic, Ideation, Relator, Significance, Strategic

Based on the premise of the book, I’ll be successful if I can match these strengths to a career. Interestingly, my previous career as a Strategic Planner and my current path as an Entrepreneur are both well-suited to my strengths.

• Do you have the opportunity to do what you do best every day?
• What are your strengths?

It’s worth buying the book just to access the StrengthsFinder test. There are other related books that also have the code for the online test, the most recent one being Strengths Finder 2.0, which is basically an update of the book I read. It's definitely an interesting way to learn more about yourself, particularly when thinking about your career.

Money, Money, Money

In my recent newsletter, the section called "Thoughts to Consider" offered a perspective from one of my blog posts entitled "Time vs. Money".

A friend of mine emailed me back with the philosophy and approach she's trying to put into practice in her own life. I haven't read the book she mentions, but the advice is great.

I am moving toward Joe Dominguez's solution ( I hope and aspire to it anyway): Your Money or Your Life.

Summary: Know what you need. Know what you spend. Need less. So you're not dependent on earning money and spending tons of time earning money but you spend time on what matters to you most, or you have time to figure out what that is.

Speaking of money, I've been traveling quite a bit and am starting to realize the dent it's been making on my finances. When I told my friend I needed a break from the jet-setting to let the coffers build back up, her response (left in "quick email speak") had a great metaphor -

yeah you are probably having a cash post buzz. sometimes it feels like you spend more than you do just cuz you have so much fun. also sometimes you really do spend that much, lol. but I know what you mean. its like when you've run a red light that was really red. you're like ok, I got away with it but I need to calm down for a while before my luck runs out.

It's also interesting that in the first few workshops, the topic of money and financial stability came up repeatedly. Many of us still have debt from school (or are still in school), have struggled to climb up from the bottom of the totem pole, and have started thinking about the future.

Maybe we want to buy an apt/house, a new car, pay off our credit cards and bills with no problem, or invest more in our 401k. Maybe we want to have enough to take a long backpacking vacation through South America, or create a financial safety-net to eventually start our own business, or just have the ability to go out with friends and not feel guilty for spending so much.

Why is it so hard to save money? Is it that we don't have a unifying money strategy or approach (like my friend who's motto is "Know what you need. Know what you spend. Need less."), or maybe we don't have clear financial goals to inspire us and keep us focused. If we have both a money strategy and a clear financial goal, maybe we need help with the daily discipline of resisting the temptation to buy those shoes or that new DVD player. It's starting to sound like any other area of business or life that needs attention - values/approach, strategy, action plan. If you'd like help with this, check out my coaching services.

• What's your philosophy or approach to money?
• What would you like to improve about your financial situation?
• Would you attend a workshop that focuses on setting and achieving financial goals?

Happiness is...Relevance?

I went to a family event this weekend and found myself in a philosophical discussion about happiness. It started when someone asked me why I decided to go into helping overachievers and I said that at the bottom of it all, I wanted to help people be happier with their lives.

The conversation quickly turned to the question of “What makes people happy?” It's something very important for me to consider when I look to create broader products and services ("solutions" if you're in the business world) to help overachievers be happier. So here's what we came up with during the conversation, but I'd love to hear what you have to say...

I started off by breaking down happiness into 2 categories: Short-Term (day-to-day happiness) and Long-Term (future potential happiness).

• Short-Term Happiness is being content with the moments that make up your day and having a positive outlook on what's going on around you. If you can surrounded yourself with positive interactions, experiences, and thoughts you'll be much happier.
• I think there's a different type of happiness that I call Long-Term Happiness, where you have peace of mind from knowing where you're going in life, being confident in your ability to choose your future and make decisions that will continue to keep you happy throughout your life.
  

Thinking about it a bit more holistically, I refined the idea to be about "choice", where happiness comes from being able to choose our day-to-day environment while also feeling we can continue to choose the "big picture" things in your future.

The conversation then steered to the idea of "relevance" as the key to happiness. We're happier when we feel important, appreciated, and have a sense of purpose in our daily environment and life (co-workers, friends, family, office and home settings, work/home tasks). We're also happier when we feel that we're "relevant" to the bigger picture of life, family, community, society, mankind, etc. We know how we can fit in, contribute, and understand the relationship between what we do everyday and our general existence.

I like the idea of relevance because it covers the idea of Short-Term and Long-Term Happiness.

• What do you think?
• If you had to distill happiness into a few words, what would it be?

Mine Goes to 11 (Happiness +1)

Most people know that scene in Spinal Tap where the guy says that his amp is so awesome that goes up to 11. I felt that way today when I was walking over to my local Saxby's coffeeshop.

I almost never listen to music as I walk because I'm usually only going a few blocks and it's not worth the effort of turning on my ipod and untangling my headphones. But today I had my iphone in hand and was waiting for a call so I put on some tunes.

I couldn't believe the effect it had. Just one song and I was floating along, smiling at people and feeling like I wanted to share it with everyone. The weird thing is that before that, I was already pretty happy and didn't think it could get any better. It was like I was at a 10, and didn't even know that I could go to 11. I wonder how many other things in life are like that. You don't even know that you can go to 11, except when it randomly happens or someone shows you the way.

• When have you found yourself at Happiness+1?