Changing Yourself First

I came across this common saying today that made me think about all those times I've tried to change situations or other people with very little success:

"The only person you can really change is yourself"

Somewhat related to this idea is Gandhi's popular quote:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

Together these quotes emphasize the importance of the individual and the change that happens on the personal level. As my mom always said, "Don't worry about what everyone around you is doing, just worry about yourself."

Do you find that you're asking others to change, but not seeing the changes you can make in your own life? How can you can rethink your attitude or actions so you can be happier with your situation and the people around you? In what ways can YOU grow, learn, and develop to make the most of who you are?

You've probably thought about these things already, but if you'd like to spend some dedicated time on personal development, send me an email at leeknight@overachievercoach.com and we can set you up with some one-on-one coaching to help you be the best you can be!

Lessons From an Acorn

Overachievers are always striving for more and trying to plan for the future. I agree with the old saying "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail," and am a strong proponent of creating a vision, setting goals, and following through on a plan of action.

BUT, when there is underlying tension or a deeper struggle within, it's very difficult to make progress on daily or weekly goals. There's something more pressing that needs to be attended to before that person can move forward.

This happened recently with a client of mine who was going through a particularly emotional time. She was dealing with a few deep-seated internal questions, but was also trying to figure out her next step in terms of career or school. At some point between our weekly discussions, we both independently came to the realization that priority #1 had to be greater emotional and mental clarity at this point in time. Progress on career issues wouldn't be possible until she had greater peace of mind. We shifted our discussions and exercises toward greater reflection and introspection, taking a step back from the career question so we could set the stage for future progress.

Like a true overachiever, at one point she felt guilty that she wasn't making progress on the "operational" aspects of exploring a new career. Well-meaning friends were asking her how her career change was going, and she felt unsettled and a bit sheepish that she was moving slowly. I assured her that externally it might not seem like much, but the progress she was making internally would have huge results in her life, both in the short- and long-term. Just like the acorn that germinates underground, it's doing a lot of work behind the scenes to prepare itself for the incredible growth above ground.

This period of personal and emotional progress is MUCH more important; by taking the time to learn about oneself and calm the internal storm, it can create a platform for true learning and change. Major and minor epiphanies of personal growth are always worth the time, especially since some of the lessons will help support us 5, 10, 20 years in the future.

She liked the acorn metaphor and agreed to focus on first creating a solid platform within instead of trying to rush the process. Yesterday she sent me this link that she felt accurately summarized her situation:

"Care of the soul can be demanding, requiring a decision that the needs of the soul are as important as the more future-oriented things that claim our attention." ~Thomas Moore (1779 - 1852)

I'm sure that anyone who has had to deal with a break-up, or death of a family member, or any other emotional ride has recognized the importance of what Thomas Moore calls "care of the soul."

• Have you ever felt like an acorn - a lot of internal change, without much visible external progress?
  
• Do you feel it's worth the time and investment to first "care for the soul" before moving on to the daily/weekly operational aspects of life?
  

The Goblet is Already Broken

A friend lent me the book "Sacred Hoops: Spiritual Lessons of a Hardwood Warrior," by Phil Jackson (famous coach of the Chicago Bulls) and the book was a good read, especially now that I'm helping to coach a women's rugby team in the area. Even though I don't particularly care for basketball, I found Phil's philosophy and approach interesting because it drew inspiration from Native American traditions and Buddhist ideals and integrated them into the dynamics of a professional sports team.

In discussing the Bulls as they entered their decline after many years of dominance (and after Michael Jordan left), he offered an interesting perspective on the common idea that everything changes. To illustrate this thinking, he references a story from the book "Thoughts Without a Thinker," by psychiatrist Mark Esptein, which describes an encounter between American travelers and a famous a Laotian monk, Achaan Chaa.

"You see this goblet?" Chaa asked, holding up a glass. "For me, this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on a shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, 'Of course.' When I understand that this glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.

Phil Jackson goes on to say that despite the heyday of the Bulls, he knew eventually it would come to an end. Impermanence is a fact of life and things will always continue to change; if we can accept the idea ahead of time, we won't be as disappointed when it happens. It also helps us appreciate and savor a good thing when we have it.

We all know things change - our best friend moves to another city, a family member passes away, a championship team dissolves, changing jobs, graduation, etc. Sometimes it might feel sad reflecting on what we're leaving behind or missing, but maybe if we can recognize that "the goblet is already broken," we can be even more thankful here and now for the fact that it's not broken yet.

This philosophy also helps us to have more realistic expectations about the natural evolution of people and places over time - Did we really expect the championship team would stay together forever? Or the band we created in high school to continue through college? Or our circle of friends would always live near each other? Thankfully, we're able to create memories to carry with us in life as happy reminders of the good experiences we've had.

Since reading that story about the goblet, I've been trying to use it in my life. In a few cases, it's made me feel a bit sad thinking that something good might end, but it also helped me be that much more conscientious about how much I appreciate it.

• What do you think of "the goblet is already broken"? Is it helpful or too fatalistic?

Encouraging Change: Do It With Them

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and instead of doing the typical “What I’m Thankful for” post, I decided to share a lesson I learned in encouraging others to change.

I have 2 members of the family that are exercise-challenged – my brother and my dad. As an athlete and someone who values a healthy lifestyle, it’s been hard for me to not to judge about their lack of exercise and poor eating habits.

For the past few years, I’ve wanted to encourage them to workout and eat healthier. Like most of us, I had honest intentions but hadn’t really thought of an effective approach. I tried using humor, but found that it was just too mean. No one likes being greeted with “Hey Tubby!” or having their love-handles grabbed in front of others.

Then I tried to have serious conversations with them about why it’s important to exercise and eat better. Obviously, they knew they should be doing it but I went so far as to say “Dad, I don’t want you to have a heart attack. Don’t you want to live longer and enjoy your retirement?” I tried to work the “Don’t you want to look good for the ladies?” angle with my brother, but neither of them seemed inspired.

At some point, I know I became a nag. Every time I saw them or spoke to them on the phone, I would ask if they’ve been exercising. It didn’t make for very fun conversations and no one was happy. I felt like a nag, our conversations went nowhere, and I felt my relationships with them were getting weaker. I'm sure they were annoyed by it (I certainly would be), but I was caught in the age-old dilemma of how to get someone to change if they don’t want to.

I guess through trial and error, I stumbled on the idea of being a "facilitator" for their change. Maybe they didn’t know what to do next or have the tools to change, so I softened my approach and offered specific help:

• I wrote up easy workouts they could do at home (on commercial breaks)
• I bought my dad a jogging suit and sneakers for Christmas
• I got my brother personal training sessions at a gym near his house
• I sat down with my dad to review his daily diet and offer some healthy substitutions or alternatives (i.e. wheat instead of white bread, smaller meals more frequently, more veggies, no meals after 7pm, etc.).
• We bought my brother an iPod shuffle to help him stay entertained while doing cardio

It had some effect. I could tell it was starting to get through and they were at least beginning to think about changes they could make. But they still weren't motivated or excited about it.

Then one day, my boss had lent me a DVD of a leadership conference and Dr. Henry Cloud spoke about how to encourage change in people. It’s been a while now since I’ve seen it, but the message he offered was “Help them create new patterns in their life by doing it with them.” Make the activity tangible by getting into the trenches and holding their hand through it. Don’t just call them to see if they’ve been doing it or have done it yet. Dedicate some time to do it WITH them.

In that spirit, I’m proud to say that yesterday my whole family ran the 2007 Port Washington Turkey Trot. Both my dad and my brother jogged the entire 5 miles and surprised themselves with their achievement. We spent the rest of the day sharing stories of the race and eagerly making plans for next year.

Although it took some planning and email campaigning to get everyone’s buy-in, I realized it was the right approach (and totally worth it) when my dad or brother would call to tell me they just went running and were ready to beat me on Thanksgiving Day.

So if you’ve got someone in mind who has been putting off their filing, hasn’t been to the gym lately, or has trouble studying for the GMATs, and you really want to help them, I offer you Dr. Cloud’s suggestion –

DO IT WITH THEM

It makes all the difference.

• What do you think about this approach?
• Have you had a similar experience?

Please comment!