Being Critical vs. Catch Them Doing Something Right

Question for discussion:

• Are you more critical of the people closest to you?

I find that as overachievers, we have such high expectations of the people closest to us that we tend to dwell on what they could do better. We want them to be incredibly amazing all the time, so we get frustrated when we think they're not living up to their ability and greatness.

It could be that we are so used to dealing with driven and ambitious people all day at our jobs that we forget that our family and friends aren't employees or co-workers who get paid to do a good job. We expect them to dot their i's and be proactive in home life and in things that might not really matter much to them.

Strangely, we'll lay out our criticism in a much harsher way when dealing with the people closest to us. Maybe it's because we feel we can be "brutally honest" with them (that doesn't sound like fun), or we don't feel obligated to sugar-coat something in the way we otherwise would when dealing with a co-worker or acquaintance. Or maybe it's that we lose patience more easily or expect them to read our minds on how we want something done and get frustrated when they don't.

Of course, the criticism starts with us. We have a specific expectation that might not have been communicated well. Or maybe we have difficulty accepting something that's done differently from the way we would do it (similar to the Not-Invented-Here problem in business). This way of thinking undermines our relationships and creates an environment that isn't supportive or empowering. I know that I can personally be better about how I deliver my "suggestions for improvement" to the people around me to have a more positive effect.

Often times, we're so focused on criticizing what's wrong, that we forget to notice what's being done well. The short business book "The One Minute Manager," by Ken Blanchard, offers the idea of "catching an employee doing something RIGHT" and celebrating it as one suggestion for being a good manager. This public praise encourages them to continue doing things well and motivates others to follow suit. Everyone wants to be acknowledged for being good!

Catching a family member doing something RIGHT could be celebrating when your partner takes out the trash, or when your kids make their beds, or how much you appreciate it when your brother picks up food on his way over to your house. The more public of a statement, the better! The idea is to get everyone in on the praise so it means more. As you start doing this, I bet you'll find that a little positive reinforcement goes a long way.

When you find yourself getting overly critical, it's important to remember that we can control this perspective and these thoughts because they're generated in our own minds. We can affect the way we perceive the situation by recognizing:

• Not everyone thinks like we do
  
• There isn't just one "right" way of doing something
• Each person has their strengths and challenges

As much as we may think our way is "best," we have to recognize that this isn't always the case. And even if it were the case, how miserable would it be to live with someone like that?! Why not focus on appreciation rather than criticism?

• When can you catch your partner or family member doing something RIGHT and celebrate it?

The Mystery of Relationships

Someone close to me recently went through a break-up. These are always rough, but as with everything in life there are some interesting life lessons to be had.

During the "unraveling", he was confused and frustrated at first because he thought it came out of left field. It took him some time to figure out exactly what was going on (was this a break or a break-up?), but after that phase he was a bit angry and indignant that there was no "warning" or opportunity for strikes 2 or 3. He and I were able to talk just as he was emerging from that stage and asked him what he wanted to do next. From a play-by-play standpoint, X happened and the ball was in his court.

There was a lot of theorizing and hypothesizing about why it happened, what she might want at this point, and why men have such a hard time understanding women. (For some good insight into how men and women think, do a quick skim of "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus". You can read just the intro at a bookstore and get most of it.)

Eventually it came down to a question of action - should he do something or do nothing? It was my opinion that if he wasn't ready to let it go that easily, he should make some overture but it was up to him to figure out what.

To help him get started, I offered him the idea that women have internal "relationship" bank accounts. Rules of the bank:

• Every time a man does something good, he gets points. The more effort or creative, the more points.
  
• If he does what is "standard" or "expected" he gets no points, but no points are subtracted.
• If he fails to do something standard or expected, he loses points.
• If he screws up, he loses even more points.

But the most important rule of the bank is that all points are based on HER CURRENCY.
For something to be "good" in her currency means that you have to figure out what her definition of good is (i.e. an outdoor adventure weekend may or may not be good depending on what she likes). This is where she sees how creative you are or how much you really know her. Btw, flowers are almost always a safe bet.

When a guy goes negative or starts borrowing against the bank, he's in trouble. If he hasn't put money in recently or has been using his debit card a lot, the next "conversation" won't just be about the fact that you forgot to take out the trash (although that might set it off). Women check the balance in bank during any discussion and that determines how difficult the conversation will be or how upset she'll get. It makes sense to contribute regularly to make sure you have enough to make it through the tougher times.

• Do you agree? How would you refine the "bank" model?