Being Critical vs. Catch Them Doing Something Right

Question for discussion:

• Are you more critical of the people closest to you?

I find that as overachievers, we have such high expectations of the people closest to us that we tend to dwell on what they could do better. We want them to be incredibly amazing all the time, so we get frustrated when we think they're not living up to their ability and greatness.

It could be that we are so used to dealing with driven and ambitious people all day at our jobs that we forget that our family and friends aren't employees or co-workers who get paid to do a good job. We expect them to dot their i's and be proactive in home life and in things that might not really matter much to them.

Strangely, we'll lay out our criticism in a much harsher way when dealing with the people closest to us. Maybe it's because we feel we can be "brutally honest" with them (that doesn't sound like fun), or we don't feel obligated to sugar-coat something in the way we otherwise would when dealing with a co-worker or acquaintance. Or maybe it's that we lose patience more easily or expect them to read our minds on how we want something done and get frustrated when they don't.

Of course, the criticism starts with us. We have a specific expectation that might not have been communicated well. Or maybe we have difficulty accepting something that's done differently from the way we would do it (similar to the Not-Invented-Here problem in business). This way of thinking undermines our relationships and creates an environment that isn't supportive or empowering. I know that I can personally be better about how I deliver my "suggestions for improvement" to the people around me to have a more positive effect.

Often times, we're so focused on criticizing what's wrong, that we forget to notice what's being done well. The short business book "The One Minute Manager," by Ken Blanchard, offers the idea of "catching an employee doing something RIGHT" and celebrating it as one suggestion for being a good manager. This public praise encourages them to continue doing things well and motivates others to follow suit. Everyone wants to be acknowledged for being good!

Catching a family member doing something RIGHT could be celebrating when your partner takes out the trash, or when your kids make their beds, or how much you appreciate it when your brother picks up food on his way over to your house. The more public of a statement, the better! The idea is to get everyone in on the praise so it means more. As you start doing this, I bet you'll find that a little positive reinforcement goes a long way.

When you find yourself getting overly critical, it's important to remember that we can control this perspective and these thoughts because they're generated in our own minds. We can affect the way we perceive the situation by recognizing:

• Not everyone thinks like we do
  
• There isn't just one "right" way of doing something
• Each person has their strengths and challenges

As much as we may think our way is "best," we have to recognize that this isn't always the case. And even if it were the case, how miserable would it be to live with someone like that?! Why not focus on appreciation rather than criticism?

• When can you catch your partner or family member doing something RIGHT and celebrate it?

The Goblet is Already Broken

A friend lent me the book "Sacred Hoops: Spiritual Lessons of a Hardwood Warrior," by Phil Jackson (famous coach of the Chicago Bulls) and the book was a good read, especially now that I'm helping to coach a women's rugby team in the area. Even though I don't particularly care for basketball, I found Phil's philosophy and approach interesting because it drew inspiration from Native American traditions and Buddhist ideals and integrated them into the dynamics of a professional sports team.

In discussing the Bulls as they entered their decline after many years of dominance (and after Michael Jordan left), he offered an interesting perspective on the common idea that everything changes. To illustrate this thinking, he references a story from the book "Thoughts Without a Thinker," by psychiatrist Mark Esptein, which describes an encounter between American travelers and a famous a Laotian monk, Achaan Chaa.

"You see this goblet?" Chaa asked, holding up a glass. "For me, this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on a shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, 'Of course.' When I understand that this glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.

Phil Jackson goes on to say that despite the heyday of the Bulls, he knew eventually it would come to an end. Impermanence is a fact of life and things will always continue to change; if we can accept the idea ahead of time, we won't be as disappointed when it happens. It also helps us appreciate and savor a good thing when we have it.

We all know things change - our best friend moves to another city, a family member passes away, a championship team dissolves, changing jobs, graduation, etc. Sometimes it might feel sad reflecting on what we're leaving behind or missing, but maybe if we can recognize that "the goblet is already broken," we can be even more thankful here and now for the fact that it's not broken yet.

This philosophy also helps us to have more realistic expectations about the natural evolution of people and places over time - Did we really expect the championship team would stay together forever? Or the band we created in high school to continue through college? Or our circle of friends would always live near each other? Thankfully, we're able to create memories to carry with us in life as happy reminders of the good experiences we've had.

Since reading that story about the goblet, I've been trying to use it in my life. In a few cases, it's made me feel a bit sad thinking that something good might end, but it also helped me be that much more conscientious about how much I appreciate it.

• What do you think of "the goblet is already broken"? Is it helpful or too fatalistic?

Walking at Sunrise

For the last week, I've been inspired to wake up early and see the sunrise. It's a good thing that the sun rises at 7:20am at this time of the year, because otherwise it would have been a herculean task to go from my previous 9am wake up to anything earlier than 7:20am.

I guess the motivation came on December 31st when I was randomly thinking about living in the time before electricity. Of course there are many reasons why life is better now, but I found myself envious of the fact that most people in that time period woke up early and typically saw both sunset and the sunrise.

I suddenly felt that I was missing out on a lot. Only on days of an early flight or early airport drop-off, have I seen the sun rise. That's almost 30 years of missed beauty - each day there's a spectacular show (free, btw) and I've almost never been awake to see it.

On Jan 1st, I decided to wake up early for a walk around the track near my house and see what the sunrise was all about. I wouldn't call it a New Year's resolution but it's something that I wanted to try out and decided I would do it until I didn't want to do it anymore.

The first sunrise exceeded my expectations and now each morning I'm excited to do it. It's tough waking up, especially since it's dark outside when the alarm goes off and the weather lady tells you how cold it is (although it's been warm recently). The temperature isn't too bad if you dress like you're going skiing and wear lots of layers (a woman was actually wearing ski goggles at the track last week and had to laugh to myself...but if it gets here out there it doesn't matter, right?). On tough days I've had to invoke the "Winners wake up early" mantra to get myself out there, but am instantly happy when I step out the door. I find my walking time to be unique because it's an interesting mix of totally random thoughts, new ideas, appreciation for nature/life, and focused intention on what I'm going to do that day.

I don't wear a watch and just keep walking until I don't want to walk anymore, which is usually around 45 minutes. I thought briefly that I should use the opportunity to jog, but I quickly realized that I would end up not enjoying it. If I jogged, I would be so focused on running and pushing myself that I wouldn't have that time for reflection, appreciation, and thinking.

The key is to get there about 10-15 minutes before the sun rises so you can get the full show of colors and cloud patterns just before the sun peeks over the horizon. Aside from a few birds chirping, it's pretty quiet out there.When I get back to my house, I eat a bowl of cereal and drink a cup of tea; as I sit down to work I'm much more focused and clear-headed.

I think I'll continue to do my sunrise walk for a while because it definitely makes me feel more focused and happier. I feel lucky that I came upon this great secret that must have been forgotten from the days without electricity. It's been a bit tough to force myself to get to bed earlier, but since the sunrise will gradually get earlier by a few minutes each day, I should be able to gradually make that change over time. Imagine how productive I'll be if I wake up at 5:30am!

• What do you do to help yourself focus?
• What activities elevate your energy or appreciation throughout the day?