Quarterlife Crisis

I was recently on vacation and caught up on some reading. One book that was particularly relevant and echoed a lot of my own personal observations about the turbulent twenties was "Quarterlife Crisis" by Alexandra Robbins.

It's sub-title "The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties," is a good description of the book overall. It's a quick read and I would recommend it to someone just getting out of college (if you've already hit your 30s, you probably already know most of this stuff).

Thoughts on the book:

• I wish I could have read this book when I was going through my own quarterlife crisis. It would have helped me recognize that everyone goes through this period of questioning in their mid-late 20s. One of the goals of the book is to illustrate how common it is so future generations realize they're not alone in their doubts and inner turmoil. I certainly would have been happy to know that I wasn't the only one banging my head against the wall. But then again, if it had been too easy, I might not have been compelled to be "part of the solution" by becoming a coach.

• This book complements my coaching so well that I wish I had written it. It does a great job of highlighting all the issues facing twenty-somethings, with a number of different quotes and perspectives. I had a tiny bout of author-envy, especially when I found out she had published a book called The Overachievers: The Secret Lives of Driven Kids. I have yet to read that book, but it made me think I should get in touch with her (Alexandra, if you're reading this, we should grab coffee and chat!).

• I think the reader would have benefited from a bit more in the way of answers or suggestions. The book was a very thorough collection of perspectives from questioning quarterlifers, and at the end I was hoping for more direction and resolution. A quick search on Amazon shows a follow-up book called Conquering Your Quarterlife Crisis which is more advice-based. I haven't picked up yet, but I will and I'll let you know if it's worth the read!

At the end of the book, I wanted to offer my coaching services for wayward or lost twenty-somethings as a follow-up resource. If you know someone struggling with a quarterlife (or midlife or 3/4-life crisis), send them my way. Maybe they'll include my information in the anniversary edition!

What is Coaching?

I recently became a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF) and in reading through their code of ethics, I thought they did a good job of summarizing and defining coaching and it's purpose.  Here's an excerpt taken from the ICF Code of Ethics:

Part One: The ICF Philosophy of Coaching

The International Coach Federation adheres to a form of coaching that honors the client as the expert in his/her life and work and believes that every client is creative, resourceful, and whole. Standing on this foundation, the coach's responsibility is to:

* Discover, clarify, and align with what the client wants to achieve
* Encourage client self-discovery
* Elicit client-generated solutions and strategies
* Hold the client responsible and accountable

Part Two: The ICF Definition of Coaching

Professional Coaching is an ongoing professional relationship that helps people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers, businesses or organizations. Through the process of coaching, clients deepen their learning, improve their performance, and enhance their quality of life.

Coaching is still quite new as an industry, with many coaching specialties and niches being defined each day.  My corner of the world is career coaching for overachievers.   

From reading the coaching description above and looking through my Overachiever Coach website, if you're interested in learning more or setting up a free 30 minute coaching session to give it a whirl, email me: leeknight@overachievercoach.com

The Chronic Sadness of Late Sunday Afternoon

From today's NY Times article The Tension Builds (It's Almost Monday):

The feeling is familiar: you are savoring the last of a leisurely Sunday lunch or a long walk in the park when you abruptly realize that your weekend will be over in a matter of hours. In an instant, you are deep in what John Updike called the “chronic sadness of late Sunday afternoon.” As you envision the to-do pile on your desk, the meetings on your calendar, and that trip to Topeka on Tuesday, your mood shifts again, your muscles tense, and your head begins to ache.

You have a case of workplace-related stress. You also have plenty of company.

Poll results released last October by the American Psychological Association found that one-third of Americans are living with extreme stress, and that the most commonly cited source of stress — mentioned by 74 percent of respondents — was work. That was up from 59 percent the previous year.

More of the article...

Like many overachievers, I lived for many years with those Sunday afternoon blues; whether it was the week of classes and problem sets or the week of meetings and presentations, Sundays always had a distinct feeling. I think that in addition to this "workplace stress," there are other factors that go into this "chronic sadness of late Sunday afternoon."

In some cases, it might be from having to end a fun weekend or experience. Maybe you had so much fun skiing or hanging out with friends that you want to savor the last few moments before thinking about the daily routine again. You could also be working on a project and it pains you to put it on the back-burner again... if only the weekend came with 3 days! In this sense, the Sunday blues come from having to cut short some enjoyment that doesn't come frequently enough.

These blues can also come from not having used your weekend time as you had hoped. Maybe you slept in really late, or didn't get to that back-burner project you've been meaning to work on. The feeling of "What did I really do with my time?" or "Why did I spend so much time doing ___?" On Sunday night, as we naturally reflect on the weekend, we have a feeling of squandered time and opportunity that puts us into a funk.

Yet another variation is the Sunday night anxiety that comes as you see the sand slipping through the hourglass in the last remaining hours. For me, it's usually around 7pm when I know I have 3 hours left and I want to make them count. Should I watch a movie, go out to eat, work on that project, or get in a few hours of work? When there's less time available, it makes it that much more valuable. Especially when you know it'll be at least 5 days before you have it again!

And of course, there IS the workplace stress of the over-full inbox, the morning meeting, the memo you have to draft, or the presentation that you'll have to cram for. The week might hold in store for you long hours or an overbooked schedules, keeping you running frantically from one activity to another. Workplace stress may also be the result of a less-than-desirable working environment, difficult colleagues, or an onerous boss. Stress can also come from feeling unfulfilled or unchallenged in your position, knowing that you could be putting your potential to better use. Maybe it's the nagging thought that there's a better match for you in terms of industry, career, or position and either not knowing how to get there or not knowing exactly what that is.

I work with clients who are facing these situations and help them reach a more fulfilling, yet less stressful, place in their careers and personal lives. If you're feeling the Sunday afternoon blues, a few weeks of coaching might be just the thing for you. Email me at leeknight@overachievercoach.com and begin managing your workplace stress!

The Goblet is Already Broken

A friend lent me the book "Sacred Hoops: Spiritual Lessons of a Hardwood Warrior," by Phil Jackson (famous coach of the Chicago Bulls) and the book was a good read, especially now that I'm helping to coach a women's rugby team in the area. Even though I don't particularly care for basketball, I found Phil's philosophy and approach interesting because it drew inspiration from Native American traditions and Buddhist ideals and integrated them into the dynamics of a professional sports team.

In discussing the Bulls as they entered their decline after many years of dominance (and after Michael Jordan left), he offered an interesting perspective on the common idea that everything changes. To illustrate this thinking, he references a story from the book "Thoughts Without a Thinker," by psychiatrist Mark Esptein, which describes an encounter between American travelers and a famous a Laotian monk, Achaan Chaa.

"You see this goblet?" Chaa asked, holding up a glass. "For me, this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on a shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, 'Of course.' When I understand that this glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.

Phil Jackson goes on to say that despite the heyday of the Bulls, he knew eventually it would come to an end. Impermanence is a fact of life and things will always continue to change; if we can accept the idea ahead of time, we won't be as disappointed when it happens. It also helps us appreciate and savor a good thing when we have it.

We all know things change - our best friend moves to another city, a family member passes away, a championship team dissolves, changing jobs, graduation, etc. Sometimes it might feel sad reflecting on what we're leaving behind or missing, but maybe if we can recognize that "the goblet is already broken," we can be even more thankful here and now for the fact that it's not broken yet.

This philosophy also helps us to have more realistic expectations about the natural evolution of people and places over time - Did we really expect the championship team would stay together forever? Or the band we created in high school to continue through college? Or our circle of friends would always live near each other? Thankfully, we're able to create memories to carry with us in life as happy reminders of the good experiences we've had.

Since reading that story about the goblet, I've been trying to use it in my life. In a few cases, it's made me feel a bit sad thinking that something good might end, but it also helped me be that much more conscientious about how much I appreciate it.

• What do you think of "the goblet is already broken"? Is it helpful or too fatalistic?

Look For Their Best

I'm currently reading "25 Ways to Win With People", by John Maxwell and Les Parrott, and came across a passage that I liked that talks about the importance of looking for the best in others -

"Anybody can see weaknesses, mistakes, shortcomings in others. That's no unique skill. Seeing only the good things is harder.

Hall of Famer baseball player Reggie Jackson said that the best major league baseball leaders possess that ability. He observed, 'A great manager has a knack for making ballplayers think they are better than they think they are. He forces you to have a good opinion of yourself. He lets you know he believes in you. He makes you get more out of yourself. And once you learn how good you really are, you never settle for playing anything less than your very best.'

That's true in any area of life: business, parenting, marriage, ministry, and so forth. Don't look for the flaws, warts, and blemishes in others. Look for their best."

Wouldn't it be awesome if we had someone like that in our corner? Someone who saw us as an amazing collection of potential and through their belief, we were able to grow into that potential?

That's basically what we, as coaches, strive to do for our clients. My goal in helping overachievers is to help them create the vision of what is possible and then take steps toward it. As overachievers, we're often our most difficult critics - expecting so much from ourselves that we focus on our shortcomings instead of our successes. A little coaching goes a long way in terms of encouragement, accountability, and seeing a world of possibility.

But you don't have to be a coach, or be coached, to look for the best in yourself or others. Is there someone you've been a bit too critical of lately? Maybe give them a break by focusing on the good things they bring to the table. What goes around usually comes around, so someday when you least expect it (and probably need it most), someone will be in your corner.

• Who do you know that could use a break or a boost?
  
• Why is it so hard for us to see the best in people?